Absentee Wife

It's Mouse's birthday. It's Mouse's birthday and I am not there to celebrate it with him. Right now, he is out and about in Denver, celebrating with friends, and I am working yet another overnight shift here in Cali. I feel awful. He swears it doesn't matter, that birthdays aren't a big deal to him. But birthdays are a big deal to me. I care. It hurts my heart to know I'm not there to make his day special, to make him smile. It kills me that I wasn't there to make him breakfast, or a birthday cake, or anything else that makes a birthday memorable. Instead, I had to settle for cupcakes delivered by a friend. Today, I feel like a very bad wife.

Settling In

I'm glad I waited a full week to write this next post. I'm glad I gave myself time to settle in and absorb the reality of my new living situation. If I had written anything last week, it would have been angst-y and full of remorse. It would have exposed me for the emotional wreck that I was. Even though I've done this before, last week was a shock to my system. I felt utterly lost, convinced I had made the wrong decision. Strange house. Unfamiliar neighborhood. Horrible commute. It all added up to misery. I don't know how many times I called Mouse, my eyes filled with tears, telling him as much.

One would think this travel thing, being away from the husband and home, adapting to new environments, would get easier with each assignment. It doesn't. It always takes me time to adjust. So, last week, I had to wrap my head around the idea of being so far removed, once again. It wasn't a happy time. But, once I got back into the swing of things, and back to work, everything got a little better. And, I'm pleased to report, that each day since has steadily improved. I still miss all the comforts of my home, but I'm coming to terms with my new, temporary living situation.

So, instead of writing about how sad and lost I feel, I can write about how confident and content I am. Yes, I miss my husband, but this assignment is going to fly by more quickly than I can even imagine, and will amount to nothing more than a teeny tiny blurb in the story of my life. It will be over and done before I know it, so I need to appreciate it for all that it is: a chance to grow as a person, an opportunity to become a better nurse, a great way to make some extra money, and the perfect excuse to spend as much time as possible at the beach.

Gypsy Girl

I live a strange life.  I really do.  Monday was zero degrees and frost-bitten cheeks; Denver at its coldest and least appealing.  Yesterday, I ended my day with a run along Newport Beach, with the ocean and outline of Catalina Island the backdrop for my evening workout.  The juxtaposition of these two scenarios only highlights how crazy my life has become.  One day I'm scraping ice from my windshield, and the next I'm playing in the sand.  The most ludicrous part about it is that this has become my norm.  I've become a professional gypsy, a drifter.  Who knows where I'll be from one day to the next?  I bounce around so often that I'm beginning to forget where I actually call home.  Denver, Las Vegas, Australia, Newport Beach...  My life has become so vast, it's mind-boggling.  I never would have guessed this is what my life would become, a veritable merry-go-round of residences.  But I'm young and energetic, so I'm going to enjoy this ride while I can.  Now, if I could just remember my current address...

Snow Day

I really, truly wish I could experience life through my puppy's eyes, just once, even if only for a fleeting moment.  The world must be so simple, so magical, from his perspective.  There is always unfamiliar territory to sniff and explore.  Sticks make for great play-toys.  And snow... well, that is pure magic.  For him, life is constantly new, exciting, and full of wonder.  Every emotion he feels is pure and unadulterated; his joy never polluted with complicated emotions.  Oh, to live the life of Butters...

Earlier this week, I took Butters on his very first snowshoeing expedition.  It wasn't anything crazy, just a quick trip up to Jones Pass, near Idaho Springs.  I've done day-trips similar to this a million times, but for Butters, this was a completely novel experience.  He had never been in such a vast, unpopulated wilderness, or seen so much snow.  I've never seen his body shake with so much excitement, or his face plastered with such a goofy grin.  (Yes - my puppy was smiling.  I promise.)  He ran as fast as his little, puppy legs would take him, and played as hard as the other dogs would tolerate.  I'm pretty sure he was in puppy heaven, and that warmed my heart.  For me, this was just an excuse to catch up with a friend, and get a little exercise in the process, but for Butters, this was everything.

Watching Butters play, and seeing his unbridled happiness, made me think.  It helped put my own life in perspective.  It made me wish I could find that much joy in anything.  Seriously.  But it also reminded me to take a deep breath, take a look around, and take pleasure in the simple things in life.  It reminded me of how lucky I am to live near the mountains, in the midst of such grandeur.  Most importantly, it reminded me to just be happy.  Thanks, Butters.

I Must be Crazy

And just like that, the holidays are done, the new year is well underway, and my month-long Denver hiatus is nearing an end. It doesn't seem possible for it all to have flown by so quickly. Wasn't I just looking forward to returning home, to spending time with my husband? Didn't I just make the grueling trip from California to Colorado, battling the less-than-ideal road conditions over Vail pass? No matter. It's time to do it all over again.

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I signed another contract. At the time, it seemed like a good idea; a do-able way to make some extra money. And didn't the last thirteen weeks fly by? But, now that it's time to go, I don't want to. I want to be home, to dig my heels in, to feel like I have some roots. I thought a month would be enough. I thought it would give me time to settle in, to enjoy my home, my husband, and the city I love. But these four, short weeks were anything but enough. Instead, I've felt like my life is in overdrive, and I'm constantly rushing to cram in every last detail. It's been a nonstop month of exhausting, and I'm worn out. So much for my holiday R&R.

I try to shrug off the frustration. It won't always be like this. I'm not going to live in limbo forever. (I know I've said that before.) Someday, life will be much more settled. (I hope.) But, for now, I have to take the chaos with the calm, the bad with the good. I'm just thankful that, even though the chaos is plentiful, the good is equally abundant.

As I pack my bags this weekend, preparing for another stint away, I need to focus on the positive, to remind myself this is simply another chapter in the adventure of my life. It may not be the easiest road to take, but it's bound to be worth the trouble. Only time will tell what this next fork in the road will bring, but that is the beauty of life.